Working From Home - Nooooooo!

I woke up and got ready for work as per usual and then something unexpected happened.  I couldn't get the garage door open.  A change in my routine and my whole world is out of sorts. 

I couldn't drive my car to the park and ride at the normal time and I missed my bus into the office.  Technically, I probably could get to the office.  Yes, I definitely could get there.  But the overwhelming panic feeling I feel in my chest is preventing me from doing so.  That's the frustrating part, my brain just isn't working properly.  A change in schedule and I've become non-functional. 

So, I've decided to work from home.  This should be simple.  I have everything I need - my laptop, my phone, my work calendar.  And yet, I still feel unsettled.  And I can't seem to make the feeling go away.

Logically, this shouldn't be a big deal.  But emotionally for me, this is a HUGE deal. 

Its times like these that I wish there was someone to guide me through the emotions.  Someone to help calm me down and get me back to the place where I am fully functional again.  In this moment, I just can't think straight. 

Wanted: NT That Understands Aspies!

It's difficult enough navigating the social world on a daily basis.  Add a corporate office component and it becomes exponentially more difficult.  At least that's how I feel after today.

A few months ago, I was given feedback that I'm too close to "the staff."  That's a really interesting bit of feedback considering relationships are extremely difficult for me.  Initially, I was upset by this feedback.  But over time, I've taken that feedback as a compliment.  Imagine!  Real live NTs think I have developed personal relationships with "the staff."  I've come so far since the days where feedback took the form of, "you need to talk to people face to face more.  You send too many emails."  My therapist would be proud!

Unfortunately, this is where it gets confusing.  The hierarchy in the company for which I work is similar to many corporations.  Associate --> Manager --> Senior Manager --> Associate Vice President --> Vice President --> Senior Vice President --> President.  I'm an Associate Vice President.

Today, a Manager invited me and some other Managers / Sr. Managers (male and female) up to her cabin for half a day to hang out and go sailing.  Under "normal" circumstances, I would have accepted the offer based on a piece of advice my therapist gave me --- try to go to as many social events as you can tolerate, you could use more friends in your life.  But when the Manager asked me, I remembered the piece of feedback about being too close to the staff and didn't know what to do.

On the one hand, I wanted to go and feel flattered that they would invite me.  On the other hand, if leadership found out, they would perceive it differently.  More specifially, leadership operates under the assumption that I am actually friends with these individuals and wouldn't be able to separate our friendship and decisions around their performance on the job. OMG.  If only they knew!  I have Aspergers!  I've been working with my therapist for years on being more friendly and engaging in the workplace, so that people don't hate me and my cold, rigid leadership style.

What's worse is that nobody will give me a straight answer on this.  I ask one person and he feels bad that he wasn't invited.  I ask a second person and he SAYS its perfectly fine, but his body language is saying something different.  I'm not asking for emotional support and validation!  I want a REAL answer!

I know I can't go to the cabin with the Managers and Sr Managers.  The rule I have deduced from the feedback of being "too close" to the staff is that I am not allowed to go to events outside of office hours with individuals that are a lower level than me and work in my department unless it is a company sponsored event.  That's quite a rule!

The thing I don't understand is why this rule applies.  I have observed many times an Associate Vice President (in the same department) golfing with a Senior Vice President and his son outside of office hours.  Maybe its because I'm a girl?  Or maybe its because golfing is the exception?  Or maybe public locations are OK, but not private property?  I have no idea!  The Corporate NT world is SO confusing.

Someday, I hope to meet an NT that will give me a glimpse into this confusing world.  And maybe, just maybe, he or she will give me real answers to my questions.  If only they offered the class:  Socially Navigating the Corporate Environment for Aspies.  Now that would be the perfect class for me!

Knocking

I was having a conversation with WB today when the topic of knocking came up.  WB couldn't believe that someone didn't knock before coming into his office.  And that got me thinking.  What is the social norm around knocking?  I started asking him questions.  And before I knew it, WB was frustrated and irritated with me.

It was incomprehensible to WB that I didn't know the social norms around knocking.  The more questions I asked him, the more irritated he became.  While I was able to glean some of the social norms around knocking, the conversation left me frustrated.

In talking to him later about the conversation, he felt that I was questioning his behavior and trying to prove him wrong.  When in fact, I was trying to understand knocking scenarios, so that I could personally exhibit the behavior appropriately.

Its a confusing thing for me.  I wish I could explain my intent without others being frustrated with me.  I've often received the comment, "you are difficult friend, but worth it."  I can't even begin to understand what that means.

As for the knocking - I think I understand.  When approaching someone's home, you knock and wait for the person to answer.  If they don't, you leave the home.  At your own home, you knock on bedroom doors and bathroom doors when they are closed.  After you knock, you should wait a few seconds for a response. In the office (at least my office), you knock and then immediately open the door.  The person will either wave you in or have you wait a few more minutes. 

So many rules to memorize and just about knocking.  I think its time I took a nap.  I definitely know how to do that!

Emotions Make Me Uncomfortable

Its rare that I get emotional.  And its even rarer for me to have a physical response to something.  So when both happen at the same time, I'm pretty much at a loss for coping skills. 

Admittedly, I'm going through a lot right now.  I'm in the process of ending a long-term relationship AND dealing with legal issues with a big bank.  So a typical day for me at this point is some relationship drama, and at least 2 calls from the big bank using their best scare tactics.  The bank recently stepped up their game, so the nightmares have kicked in. 

I thought ending the long-term relationship would be the most stressful.  Turns out nasty calls from a big bank are more stressful to me than a break-up.  And today, I found out there is something that stresses me out more than both of those things combined. 

I was walking to lunch today and I saw her.  I'll call her Thirteen.  I actually didn't recognize her at first.  And by the time I realized it was her it was too late to look away.  Our eyes met as we passed and I shook to my core.  That was at noon.  I'm still shaking.

About 5 years ago, I found myself in a situation with Thirteen.  There was a lot of drama.  And I mean A LOT.  The drama went on for 2 years.  To make a long story short.  This woman used her leadership authority to lure me and some of my work colleagues into a web of deception.  HR was involved.  I didn't know who to trust or what to do.  And my Aspie-ness didn't help the situation.

Fast forward to today.  The moment I saw her all those feelings came flooding back.  All the lies.  And to make matters worse, Thirteen was walking with someone from my current work group.

I've been asking myself all afternoon - how can one person cause me to have such a negative emotional and physical reaction?  I'm literally shaking.  And second - should I do anything about it? My brain is in over-drive.  What could Thirteen possibly be doing with my work colleague?  Is she up to something devious?  How can I get as far away from her as possible?  And on and on and on.  I'm just overwhelmed with negative emotions.

How in the world am I supposed to cope with these emotions?  Literally.  What are action steps I can take to cope?  What do most people do in these situations?  Emotions make me uncomfortable - especially negative ones.  Do I just lie here and wait out the shaking and uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach?  Do I warn the others that Thirteen is talking with one of our work colleagues?  And will that be perceived at "gossip"?

Or maybe I should just sit back and let the feeling pass.  I just don't know. 

Goa in Pictures

GOI Dabolim International Airport

 Women wearing socks with open toed shoes.  Strange.  This is a rarity in the US.

 To the hotel I go!  Asked the driver how long it would take to get to the hotel - he said 15 minutes. Actual time elapsed?  45 minutes.  From this moment forward, I multiplied all time estimates by 3.

 Saturday Night Market in Anjuna.  This was pure craziness.  There were about 1000 shops.  No lie.  Sensory Overload!

 Really bad food at the Saturday Night Market.  Tip: Go for the shopping and experience, not the food.

 Transportation

Step 1:  Learn how to drive a scooter (or as they say "Scooti").  Step 2:  Explore Goa.

 Mmmm.  Fresh sugar cane juice made right before my eyes!

 Enjoying life (and a coconut milk) on Aswem Beach

 Local man selling sarongs.  I was amazed that he alone could hold so many sarongs. 

 My spot on Aswem Beach.  A little relaxation before lunch.

 Tiger Prawns at La Plage.  Wishing they would have removed their heads before serving.

 How far to Tiracol Fort?  16 km.  Actual distance? 52 km.  My multiply by 3 equation was pretty accurate!  This is the view from Tiracol Fort restaurant where I enjoyed a lovely cheese sandwich.  I think the 52 km was worth it.

 Boat near Tiracol Fort, North Goa

 Doors to the closet in my hotel room.  At first, I thought they were a nice touch.  By the end of the stay, I was completely annoyed with them.

 Hacienda de Goa 

Lodging in Anjuna, North Goa which I highly recommend.  Talk to Thomas.  He'll hook you up!

 Dosa or Dosai?  Doesn't matter.  Always good.

 This dude took me parasailing on Baga Beach for $10.  I was a bit concerned about safety.  How could this cost only $10?!?  But once he gave me a life jacket, it was all good.

 Baga Beach

A much different experience than Aswem Beach, that's for sure!

 Lunch at Brittos.  Mmmmm.  Crab.

 I was fascinated by these flowers.  The owner of the resort caught me staring at them more than once.  Embarassing!  The colors are random on each bunch.  Just think of the genetics!

 Curlie's Dance Club.  On my first attempt to find this place, I ended up back at the place I started.  Asked for directions... Oh! LEFT at the Baskin Robbins!  Tried again and made my way down a dark desolate sandy road.  It was worth it!  The view was fantastic and then there was the trance music.  The Trance Music!!

 Why does my breakfast toast look like a T-shirt?

 The "American" Breakfast.  Ummm.  Nothing on this plate looks American.

 Cab driver kept telling me I had to buy the River Cruise Tickets at the Kaju Palace.  Huh?  This seemed weird to me. I would expect to buy Cashews at the Kaju Palace - not River Cruise tickets.

 An offering for the gods

 Elephant Rides at the Spice Plantation.  While I was taking this picture, a certain boy started whistling at me.  I ignored him, naturally.  Seriously.  I'm not an animal!

 Bridge to the Spice Plantation. I heart bridges.

 Baby Pineapple!

Its protected by the wiring, so the monkeys don't destroy it.  One thing I learned on the trip.  Male pineapples taste a bit sour compared to female pineapples.  No surprise there!

 Female Uterine Tonic.  Really?

 Smiling Dog.  Took a wrong turn down a dirt road and this dog started coming toward me.  Thankfully, he was smiling and wagging his tail.

 Goan Tourist Clothing.  Male tourists in Goa would buy these matching shirt / shorts outfits and wear them around...TOGETHER.  It was quite the look.  This is where you can buy them.

 Goan Water Balls

 Ozran Heights Beach Resort

View from my room.  I highly recommend this resort as well.  You can walk to the beach from your cottage.  And the views during dinner are fantastic.

 My cottage at Ozran Heights Beach Resort.  I spent many nights sitting on those chairs watching the Goan sunset.

 Country cows with their bird friends.  For some reason, the cows in Goa always seem to have a bird friend with them.  At first I thought it was just one, but I saw the cow + bird pairs again and again as I explored Goa.

 Kinda hard to find this place.  But worth it.  A seat on the upper level is quite nice.

 My seafood platter at Infantaria.  Kingfish slice, shrimp, squid and calamari.  Yuuuummmmm!

 Big Vagator Beach.  I found this beach while exploring Goa one morning.  In Goa, it seems there's a beautiful surprise around every corner.

 Caprese Salad.  Need I say more? 

 The symmetry of this plant was quite captivating.  I had to take a picture.

My last Goan Sunset.  *Sigh*

I Wish You Could Be More Sympathetic

2:20 pm.  HK leaves me a voicemail telling me he got a speeding ticket and that his driver's license was expired.  It expired in July.  Voicemail says to call him back.

2:45 pm.  I Call HK.  He tells me he just wanted to let me know he got a speeding ticket and that his license was expired, so he got a ticket for that, too.  I respond with some action steps he can take to avoid the situation in the future and to resolve the expired license issue. 

2:58 pm.  I receive a text from HK.  "Getting a ticket is very traumatizing, I wish you could be sympathetic / comforting"

So, here I sit, not knowing what to do next.  Do I text him back and tell him I'm sorry?  To be honest, I am sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm not sympathetic and comforting.  I wish I knew the right words to say.  When I get new information, I think action steps and impacts.  The emotional piece doesn't even cross my mind.  Its frustrating for everyone involved - especially my friends. 

I'm often faced with these situations and I think about the appropriate way to handle them.  Do I memorize the right words to say and try to come up with some dialogue that makes me seem sympathetic, so that my friend feels better?  Or do I take a more honest approach and tell him I'm truly sorry that I am not sympathetic?

Throughout my life, I've opted for the first choice when it comes to the NT world.  I make up an answer that satisfies.  Maybe its time I start thinking about the second response because that's how I truly feel.

Emotions. Hope Do You Cope?

Emotions.  Where do I start?  I've been a bit stressed lately and not getting quite the amount of sleep I need.  And that makes me emotional.  The problem is I don't know what to do with these emotions.

Frankly, I want these emotions to go away.  If I could ask anybody one thing it would be - what steps do I need to take to make these feelings go away as quickly as possible?  Its uncomfortable.  I don't like it. Tears sting my eyes and I think - why the hell am I crying?

Logically, I know why I'm upset.  There are a few too many things in my life at the moment that are out of my control.  And not knowing what the future holds is upsetting.  My natural instinct is to hide and show my emotions to no one.  I want to pretend to the outside world that everything is fine and that I'm coping well.

I'm curious to know - what do typical people do to cope with emotions?  Do you cry it out?  Do you turn to a friend for support?  And how do you know who to trust with your feelings?  Personally, I'd like to see a 5 step process to get your emotions under control.  Can somebody write a book about that please?!?

My natural instinct is to analyze and try to rid myself of these uncomfortable feelings as quickly as possible.  I know with the time the emotion will pass and I will be back to my analytical and logical self.  But I'd like to know what coping strategies most people use to get through it. 

Right now to get through it, I'm focusing my thoughts on Goa in a couple weeks.  Traveling is my happy place.  Its the only time where I can truly be myself and feel genuinely happy.  I'm hoping my travel break in a couple weeks will help me cope a little better with life's unexpected.

What do you do to help you through those emotional times in your life?

The Work Boyfriend

I have a work boyfriend, I'll call him WB.  And for the most part he's cute, listens to my problems and is an all around good friend.  We have lunches and coffee together and we like to dump on each other when something really wonky starts going on at work.  We're really comfortable with each other.  But sometimes I just don't get his humor.  Like today.

Today he approached me to show me a picture on his iPhone.  It was a picture of him in front of the American flag.  The conversation went something like this:

Him:  I want to get it on with you in front of this flag *laughs*

Me:  You are disgusting and need to leave.

Him: *walks away laughing*

Me: (loudly)You are NOT funny

Him: (Mumbles under his breath) The important thing is I think I'm funny *walks away*

I don't get it.  I honestly don't understand why that comment was funny.  I'm not offended.  I mean guys are guys right?  And sometimes they think sexual comments are HILARIOUS.  Whatever.  The odd thing about this encounter is that this isn't the first time I've heard this comment. 

Yes, I'm Asian.  And yes, a college boyfriend asked me to do that very same thing (except he was serious about it - I think).  He actually went so far as to buy me an American flag for my dorm room.  At the time, I didn't think much of it.  I gave the flag to my dad and told said boyfriend that I misplaced the flag.  I used my typical Aspie approach - avoid and make up lies!

And that leads me to the following questions...

What is propagating this strange thought in men - me getting it on in front of an American flag?   

Why is this funny?

And do I just not get it because I have Asperger's?

WB just stopped by my desk to apologize.  I asked him why he thought it was funny.  And naturally, he didn't know.  Guess my questions will remain unanswered.  At least for now...

My Fear of the Five O'Clock Shadow

I have a good friend who is a prostate cancer survivor.  That's relevant because naturally he is going all out for Movember and growing a moustache this month.  I am fully supportive of prostate cancer awareness and am very proud he is a prostate cancer survivor.

That's the thing.  I consider him a good friend and supportive of my Asperger's Syndrome.  I guess that's why what he did to me today shocked me.

He came over to me and gave me a hug and thought it would be funny to rub his newly grown moustache whiskers on my cheek.  I freaked out.  I stepped back and told him to keep his face away from me.  His whiskers HURT!  It felt like needles on my face. 

My response hurt his feelings.  He felt that I wasn't being supportive and that I was inflexible.  He told me to "get over it."

Wow.

"Get Over It"

From someone that I thought understood me.

That hurt.  (My Feelings)

It reminded me of when I was a little girl and my dad would come home from work and rub his five o'clock shadow on my face.  He loved my reaction.  "IT HURTS!"  I would tell both my mom and dad that it hurt, but they would just chuckle and think I was hilarious.  Mind you, this was before anyone knew a thing about Asperger's Syndrome and all the sensory sensitivities that come with the diagnosis.

I am constantly dealing with sensory issues.  At the very moment he told me to "get over it"...

1. My clothes hurt.  The way the fabric rubs against my skin is painful.
2. The fan in the room sounded like a freaking plane about to take off
3. The flickering florescent lights.  Oh the flickering!!

Its pretty much incomprehensible to most NTs.  My brain doesn't process things "normally".  It amplifies certain sounds and a simple touch can feel like someone stabbing me with a needle.

I know its easy to forget that I'm dealing with these things on a daily basis.  I'm really good at faking normal.  I don't blame my friend for responding the way he did.  I really did hurt his feelings.

What I want everyone to know is that while us Aspies may not complain about all the things distracting us all the time, it doesn't mean we're not affected by them.  Sensory sensitivities suck.  All The Time.

You Can't Possibly Have Aspergers

I was in a meeting today and someone told me about their cousin that has Aspergers.  The person was pregnant and concerned because Aspergers runs in her husbands family.  So I outed myself.  "You know, I have Aspergers."  And the response I got was typical.  "No you don't.  You can't possibly have Aspergers.  You know how to talk to people."  And that is the story of my life.

I have Asperger Syndrome.  I've been officially diagnosed.  And it manifests itself in many ways.  I'm sensitive to touch.  I struggle to find friends.  Social interactions are stressful.  I take everything literally.  I love to be alone.  I have meltdowns.

But if I tell anyone I have Aspergers, they don't believe it.  I've had psychologists tell me they think I've been misdiagnosed.  I'm going to let you all in on a little secret.  I'm really good at faking it.  I've mastered how to look like an NT (Neuro Typical) in virtually any situation.  And while that has helped me become, as my therapist put it, "wildly successful", it also has its drawbacks.

In the real world, I'm a successful business woman.  I manage a team of people and we get things done.  What most don't know is that every night I come home from work and need hours to decompress.  I sleep a lot on the weekends from pure exhaustion.  Its really tough pretending to be normal 40 to 60 hours every week.

And this week is tougher than most.  Today, I was told I would no longer get administrative support.  My assistant is my lifeline.  She is a support in place that helps me be successful.  She understands my Aspergers.  She books my flights during the least busy times.  She manages my calendar.  She makes sure I have transition / alone time at the appropriate times, so I can cope with the real world.  She is the reason I can function at this level.


Unfortunately, I am so good at faking being normal that my leader thinks I'm being a princess.  He thinks I shouldn't need such a high level of support.  And this hurts.  I would give anything to be able to function independently.  I hate myself for having to rely on my assistant to get me through my days.


After he gave me the news, I cried my eyes out.  I want to be able to do things myself and I want others to understand there are certain situations when I need support.  People in the disability world understand.  Unfortunately, I live in the real world where most people don't understand and I find it difficult to explain to them my inadequacies.

I'm a successful business woman and I can't manage my calendar.  There I said it.  I can't do it.  I've tried so many times and it always ends in tears.  There are meeting invites streaming in and calendaring conflicts that arise.  And time never stops.  People are constantly wanting to schedule things.  Its the never-ending project from hell.  Its overwhelming.  In the past, I've been so overwhelmed with the calendaring that I can't do my normal work and my performance suffers.  

I don't want to go back to that place.  I just don't.

Nainital in Pictures

 My first train ride in India.  What an experience!  The 7 hour train ride ended up being 12 hours.  Arriving in Kothgodam. 

 Man grilling me some corn.  He served mine with lime and salt.  Yum!

 TC's favorite.  Waterballs!  Usually served differently in each locale.  These are filled with onions and potatoes.  The cup in the upper left is holding the spicy water. 

 Breakfast.  I thought I only had one egg, but there was a surprise egg once I lifted up the egg holder.  Two boiled eggs for breakfast!

 The Lake.  I believe its Naini Lake.  As Tal means Lake.  Hence, Nainital.  As per usual, my Hindi is horrendous and any attempt to pronounce leads to much confusion.

 Bottles hung from trees to shoot with airguns for 20 Rps.  Honestly, when I saw these bottles all I could think was - How on earth did they get those tied out on the side of the mountain?!?

 Telescopes.  These were at Himalaya View Point where you could pay to view the majestic Himalayas.  As TC put it, "This is a fraud"

 An Indian tourist dressed up in traditional Nainital dress.  People actually pay to dress up in this clothing and take their picture.  And they have to give it back.  These stands are everywhere!

 An Indian tourist posing as he "climbs the Himalayas".  I'm pretty sure this is probably his facebook profile pic now.

 Wow.  A shocker to me.  Look at all that luggage!  I've traveled 30 days in India with one bag.  This seems excessive.

 Traffic jam!  Local man getting out of his car to direct traffic.  That's one thing I love about India.  People just take control of the situation and get things done.  No traffic police required!

 So many choices for snacks and the only one I could have was water.  Diet soda is just not a concept here!

 Someone's laundry just siting on the side of the road.  Aren't they afraid someone will steal it?

 One of my favorite tourist spots of the trip.  CAVES!

 I was so excited to explore these caves.  I was on my hands and knees at times and racing through the caves.  Good times!

 Post sightseeing snack.  Onions in vinegar.  They look disgusting to me, but TC ate them like they were candy.

 Mosque in Nainital.  I love the symmetry!

 Elevator in the hotel.  My first thought was - What a beautiful elevator!.  My second thought - There is no way an American could fit through those skinny doors.

 Lodging in Nainital.  Arif Castles.

 Driver stopped to get directions to our lodging in Dunagri.  I was nervous.  What do you mean our driver doesn't know where to go?!?

 Apparantly, they needed to gather the whole town to figure out directions.  The more people that congregated the more nervous I was that we wouldn't reach our destination.  Really?  You need 5 people to help find the lodging?!? Gah!

 Yay!  We reached our destination in Dunagri.  This was a school for local children to learn English.  As part of the stay, I visited with some of the local children.

 Local color before trekking 1 km up the mountain to the Dunagri Temple

 So many steps to reach the Dunagri temple.  It was fun and tiring.

 Bells at the Dunagri temple

 Amla!!  I was eating at a restaurant outdoors and this boy climbed a tree and plucked this amla for me.  It was romantic and funny.  So 17th century!

 These women work so hard.  I never see men doing this work.  Hmmmm.

 American "Corns"

 Time for a boat ride on one of the seven lakes.  These boats seemed much more appealing than the self-paddle boats.  I like to relax, not work!

 My Slippers

 TCs post-sightseeing dinner.  

 TC and Lakshmal (the driver) discussing the zoo.  Looks like TC needs more information...

 TC and Lakshmal pointing to the zoo.  Its over there.  You need to walk. 

 After a little hike, we made it to the zoo!  Somehow this is the only picture of an animal I took in the zoo.  Strange.  I know.

 This sign means shortcut.  Or so TC says.  I'm a big fan of shortcuts on the way down, but not on the way up.

 High tech Cyber Cafe.  Here TC is checking to see if we have confirmation for our tickets back to Delhi (No, they weren't confirmed - always an adventure)

 Stopping to rest.  My toes are definitely cuter than TCs!

 Lodging outside of Nainital

 Huge hole in the road on our way to our lodging.  Seriously?  Nobody thinks this is strange?  Its a HUGE hole!

 Dussehra celebration in Nainital.  Later in the evening this guy with 10 heads was burned in a burst of flames.

 I was shocked to find out we needed to stop for an hour to let these construction workers finish paving the road to Nainital.  No room to pass.  We had to just wait it out.  I found it a bit disturbing that they have fun with each other by throwing hot asphalt at each others feet.  Yikes!

 Shirts at the Tailor where I got my pants hemmed for 50 cents in 10 minutes.  10 minutes I tell you!

 Temple where I was chased my monkeys.  MONKEYS!  It was all good until I reached the bridge and then the monkeys swung down like some horrific scene out of Wizard of Oz.  They started chasing me.  I ran.  No wonder the locals were carrying slingshots.

Train back to Delhi.  Until next time!